When Mary Schmich's Chicago Tribune column began to circulate on the Internet, Bob posted the following Thursday, July 31, 1997:

WYADUCK here...

There is a commencement address that Vonnegut allegedly delivered to MIT this June, which has been spreading all over the Web like wildfire. (It even got posted to this Vonnegut Newsgroup.)

I was suspicious from the beginning. Kurt usually tells me when he's going to speak somewhere, and he never mentioned an MIT address. I also knew he was in Europe for the latter part of June.

More suspiciously, the voice wasn't quite his. It was CLOSE, like a real good painted forgery of a master, but it was slightly off -- a little too jokey, a little too cute... a little too ''Seinfeld.'' Several things seemed based on ideas of his, or variations on things he's said in past speeches, but the further I read, the more I thought it was a fake.

So I called him today (7/31) and asked if he spoke at MIT this year. ''No,'' he said. ''You're asking about the 'sunscreen' thing?'' He had already known about it, as his lawyer had called him earlier in the day. He had no idea where it came from. I asked him if he wanted me to fax him a copy. He declined. He wasn't interested.

So there it is, straight from the horse's mouth (brought to you by the other end). If you doubt what I've said here, call MIT's Speaker's Bureau, and ask if KV spoke there this year.

Cheers, WYADUCK

The next day details surfaced to advance the episode. Bob posted the following Friday, August 1, 1997:

WYADUCK here...

Yesterday I confirmed for the Vonnegut Newsgroup that the MIT address attributed to Kurt, and spread all over the Web, was a hoax. It was not written nor delivered by Kurt at MIT or anywhere. Copies of this thing were E-mailed to me from all corners -- even received one from Scotland.

Well, it seems as though my response spread through the Internet almost as thoroughly as the speech itself. Today (8/1), my E-mailbox was full of letters from strangers, responding to my post. In any event, I can now clear up part of this mystery:

There is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune named Mary Schmich. The words were hers, in her column from the June 1 issue of the Trib. She never passed it off as Vonnegut's, nor was his name ever evoked in the column. In fact, her column contained a prologue, missing on the Internet version, which I will reprint here...

ADVICE, LIKE YOUTH, PROBABLY JUST WASTED ON THE YOUNG

''Inside every adult lurks a graduation speaker dying to get out, some world-weary pundit eager to pontificate on life to young people who'd rather be Rollerblading. Most of us, alas, will never be invited to sow our words of wisdom among an audience of caps and gowns, but there's no reason we can't entertain ourselves by composing a Guide to Life for Graduates.

''I encourage anyone over 26 to try this and thank you for indulging my attempt.

''Ladies and gentlemen of the Class of 97....''

The missing piece of this puzzle is: Who is ''Culprit Zero?'' That is, who originally placed it on the Internet, crediting it to Kurt? Mary Schmich, whom I spoke with today (a very nice woman, by the way), was horrified at the idea that anyone would think the deed was hers, or that she was trying to ''rip Kurt off.'' She told me she had read Cat's Cradle back in college, but that was about it. She's never heard him speak and couldn't consciously duplicate his style if she wanted to. She even tracked Kurt down on the phone today to explain what had happened and confirm her lack of culpability. Kurt was, of course, good natured about it. (Frankly, my fear is that this will be the new ''Venus on the Halfshell'' and that Kurt will be hounded over the next few years by people asking him about his MIT address.)

One last point: Mary said that when her article originally appeared in the Tribune, she certainly received a favorable reaction and some nice phone calls, but that was all. Suddenly, the same words are credited to a well-known author, and it's being quoted and E-mailed all over the world within hours. Talk about the power of name recognition. Also, another lesson in individual responsibility, or lack thereof, in the computer age.

I believe Mary is now working on a column about all this for the weekend Tribune.

Cheers, WYADUCK